Movin' On Up: Maximum Condo Rock

George: Move it on up, Weezie.
Weezie: Like that, Daddy?
George: That's it...  Yeah... that's it.
You know what Big Poppa likes.

So the two of you are finally ready.  After years of prudent choices, rigid self-control, and saving, saving, saving, you're gonna do it.  You empty your joint account, mortgage yourselves to the hilt, and take the plunge.

You're in way over your heads and terrified as fuck, but you now have what you've both always wanted: your own domain of neutral taupes and muted pastels.  As you hold hands, glancing about the living room, you note with pleasure how the large framed print of Klimt’s "The Kiss" that you got at Costco picks out the subtle accents in the drapes and carpet.  The new matching couch and loveseat are like the two of you dancing, that is to say, stiff and angular, and conspicuous, despite being colour-coordinated with their equally insipid surroundings.  Both are oriented around an enormous, white, particleboard entertainment centre, which houses a super-sized TV, a leather-bound set of Reader’s Digest condensed novels, and a small assortment of empty, tinted-glass vases, placed strategically about the unit to provide a daring splash of primary colour.  Overall, the room has about as much personality as a wooden Indian, and there isn’t a single item in it that has any real meaning to either of you.  Your pasts have been relegated to the storage locker.  They don't belong here.  The whole place is like this – the bedroom, the one and a half baths, the kitchen – you are now living in an Ikea catalogue.

Now that I bought us the condo,
Denise is considering
having sex with me again. 

And you love it!

You don't have any actual friends anymore, but you're looking forward to having work colleagues and your new neighbours over for an awkward dinner party.

You will cook a pot roast together and splurge on a spinach dip and a cheese platter from Whole Foods.

The wine?  OMG!  Everyone's favourite: Yellow Tail Shiraz!

After dinner entertainment?  Um, Pictionary of course!  Your guests will frickin' flip!

But then suddenly a cloud falls over your giddy planning.

What about the music?

You stare blankly at one one another.

Chris Martin insists Coldplay's next album
will be a edgier, more sexually-charged effort:
less condo, more well-lit basement suite.

Neither of you has listened to music in years.  In fact, you don't really care for it anymore.  It's so... noisy.  But there's always music at dinner parties.  It always used to be Portishead or Coldplay.  Have things changed?  You have no idea.

Panic ensues.  What the fuck are you going to do?

Don't freak, yuppies.  The Reverend Dick was put on the earth to help people, even people like you, and that's exactly what he's going to do.

No, go ahead as long as she's into it,
but watch the rug, would you?  It's Persian.

The most important thing to keep in mind about Condo Rock is that it must be rhythmic, mildly interesting, but utterly inoffensive.  There can be no yelling, no distorted guitars, and no overtly sexual overtones.  Remember, this is an awkward dinner party - not an orgy.  It's often best to avoid music with lyrics altogether, as they can often confuse or even offend your guests.  Light, catchy Electronic music works best.  In a pinch, you can sometimes get away with instrumental funk if you're careful, or soft, neutered rock music.  You know, like Coldplay, but not quite so openly gay.

And when in doubt, keep it caucasian.

There's very few things white people do really well musically, but one of them is making stuff that is mildly pleasant and totally non-threatening.

By the way, the albums listed below are not lame.  Far from it.  But they're great albums that even lame people will like.  Or at least ignore.

Enjoy.



The Incredible Bongo Band: "Bongo Rock!"

Song selected: "Apache"

This great compilation of the best tracks on the two Incredible Bongo Band albums is perhaps the funkiest thing that whitey has ever done.  Michael Viner, an A&R Executive at MGM records, would poach unused studio time in the middle of the night, call up label session musicians, and record bongo-heavy, Latin-tinged versions of rock and R&B songs.  The Bongo Band was also a fucking gold mine of samples for early hip-hop artists like Afrika Bambaataa.  Incredible.


















Air: "Moon Safari"

Song selected: "Remember."

One of my personal favourites.  Soft, groovy, cool but never, ever abrasive, The French band, Air's lushly textured Moon Safari is a gentle masterpiece, one likely do get even the stuffiest dinner guests bobbing their heads like they're giving a poltergeist a blowjob.  Thirteen years after its release, this may still be the best electronic album of all time.  Tres bon.

DJ Shadow: "Endtroducing..."

Song selected: "Building Steam With A Grain Of Sand."

Josh Davis a.k.a., DJ Shadow is well-known as being one of the great "diggers," people who rummage through piles of old records looking for forgotten relics and undiscovered gems.  On this, his 1996 full-length debut, Shadow creates an almost symphonic hip-hop soundscape, not because he uses orchestral instruments, but simply because of the dense layering of his samples and beats.  Be forewarned: Endtroducing... might be just a tad too funky for the condo crowd, and may elicit a raised eyebrow or two from guests and an unhappy frown from your eager-to-please partner.

The Budos Band: "The Budos Band."

Song Selected: "Up From The South."

The Budos are a contemporary instrumental R&B big band whose sound, though by no means revolutionary, is thick, brilliantly arranged, and funky as the dumpster behind a Bangkok fish market.  Their two follow-up LPs simply entitled, The Budos Band II, and The Budos Band III, are of equivalent quality, but my preferential nod goes to this, their self-titled debut, for having just a touch more pep in its hep-cat step.   

Lemon Jelly: "Lost Horizons."

Song Selected: "Closer."

Of Lemon Jelly's three fantastic albums, Lost Horizons is, in my opinion, the best fit for your typical petit-bourgeois dinner party.  LJ's other two albums,  KY and 64 - 95 (which is my favourite, in case you care), have moments on them that are just a touch too raucous and, therefore, may not be entirely condo-appropriate.  No need to rile everyone up and risk a red wine spill on the berber.  Play it safe.  I mean, for Christ's sake, you're home owners now.